Today I shake my fist at God

In the last few weeks its been really hard to write... I am currently forcing myself to do so.

In recent weeks one of our lectures had an amazing focus on prayer. When talking to various people I have said that it rarely appears as if God is actually speaking to me. The one time I can really pin point this was on my decision to come to Cliff, then it was clear. God provided the answers when I asked in an instant, possibly sooner than I wanted. I'm human - never contented.

Last night I was at the pub, with two friends from college. We got to a stage where we were comfortable chatting and we were discussing our futures. Some advertising campaign would say the futures bright, the futures orange (although I'm more of the nature 'we are better connected') but our futures where different. One friend is thinking of politics, which she would be amazing at. Arguing and battling for Christ in the realms of words and social justice. The other wished to change the life of one council estate. A job which I would struggle to do. Such a noble process to change the world, in any way. I tell you this even though it has not much to do with my story due to the fact that we all had a plan, but in a way we were not overly sure. My plans have started to be formed in a way. Due to an advert around college I am trying to apply to do an Army Chaplaincy intro course over the summer. We where sharing how I suppose 'our hearts were warmed'. Yet I am still unsure of this notion.

God has been speaking to me though. When I have expressed the interest to lectures here at college in the need for letters, and support, most have said 'no you would be really good at that', which in itself has been a real positive affirmation, but as I expressed to my friends last night it wasn't really enough. Yet this morning I was reading a new book I bought (which is actually a really old book) which was looking at prayer and war, I sat in my room going oh! why today? Things continued in a moment, ignore the usual morning rigmarole in the Ikea lounge, morning prayers soon ensued, and it was on war, they praying for men at war and those affected by war and those who work with people at war. One of my friends who I had been sat in the pub with last night, turned at the point they mentioned people going to work with those at war, and I was like GGGGGODDDDD! *shakes fists*

What do I do now?