Monday, December 28

So the lighting!

It's a rather popular phrase of mine.

"So the lighting!" It really does work in awkward situations, silences and when there is nothing else to say. Now said in many situations that just need that extra bit of uplighting to make the moment comedic, worthwhile or back to earth.

Yet what about the lighting. Winter is a dark season, so easy to hide in. We measure winter because it is cold, but it is cold because it is dark. It seems a bit of a juxtaposition that this current season we celebrate an event to do with such great light, yet live in the dark.

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned." Isaiah 9:2. During the deep of winter we celebrate the birth of the light to the world. We light up our houses with fairy lights, put lights on the tree, light candles for that nice atmosphere, and sometimes that fragrant winter smell. We stick on more lights to see by, lights to read by, take out torches to walk to work in the evening, and use our car lights at any time of the day. We have this artificial lighting because the sun seems so distant. When outside during winter and when the sun shines - however rare - its a more dazzling light, stronger and weaker at the same time. Where is the light of our world amongst us this season, amongst the flashing bulbs and twinkling lights? Have we forgotten that the infant born into our world, who lived among us and died as one of us also rose again and is still a living God?


SO THE LIGHTING?


Are we colder in the dark? Are we truly good lighting? Are we a shining example of our Living God? Matthew 5:14-16 talk about the followers of Jesus, saying:

"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

It's not easy being this example. I find it often leads to further questions, how can I be a christian example in this situation, let alone a good christian example. Yet within me there is such a desire to be this light that I often get lost in how best to shine.I suppose that comes with knowing more about God and myself and where this life leads whilst I walk on this earth.


SO THE LIGHTING?


So to leave you with two questions to ponder:

Where is the light?
Are we shining?




SO THE LIGHTING?

Sunday, December 13

I am happy

I'm really happy. I felt I have to share this... kinda like the pig of happiness! have to share. nI'm slowly beginning to feel like christmas, still haven't wrapped any presents or written (or bought any cards) its all a bit of a mess really. it's only twelve days to go.. what 12 when did this happen.

The advent calendar helped. it seems more real when you count it down. that means when i go home there will only be 8 days till christmas, i still won't have done any shopping, or christmas cards and we will be on our last candle on the advent ring at church, this also means that besides the nativity carol concert thing the first time i will be at church is christmas day! thats slightly hard to comprehend. its also slightly sad that i won't be at Bakewell Methodist, for that is where I have spent my advent season so far in terms of church. their nativity today was a bit of genius. not only that they are such an open and friendly church, welcoming, willing and amazing with everyone.

This week is looking quite busy, tomorrow is the college cabaret, there is probably something on on tuesday as well, wednesday is our christmas dinner, and thursday is the carol concert, friday we leave. No rest for the wicked and all that.

I can't deny the fact that I am in fact looking forward to enjoying the last week here with some amazing people. I am in fact very happy about this!

Monday, December 7

Campfire Moments

It's weird, later tonight I have a chance to do something I really love. I'm really excited - it possibly expresses how sad I am in a big way - but it's something that I can do. I can quite happily make a fool of myself among a family of people I love and trust, singing camp fire songs and playing funny games. It's something I have done for many years, with many friends, different songs, different places. Always filled with laughter, a little bit of love, and always the caution of do not trip over into the fire, or do not walk across my table.
I love campfires as well, there is something truly magic about the fellowship found around the shadows of the fire, the way the fire itself is captured in a magic dance. There is often food as well, which tastes magnificent when cooked after a long day of activities, just before you go to bed under the light of the stars, in the fresh air, among good friends.
A campfire in my eyes express' what is good in our world, the magic, the awe, the wonder, fellowship, friendship, family, love, laughter, lightness, feasting, festivity, and frivolity, maybe some foolishness, a moment which you never want to end, the smoke in your eyes, a group joke. Its what our life should be about, the campfire moments.

Friday, December 4

Another post

Its strange what other people can do for you. I suppose it's also strange what you can do for other people.
I have had so much support since coming to Cliff, and I can see that Cliff is doing so many great things. The People here are really amazing, and I know I am privileged to be among those with such great gifts and talents. However living in a community has its problems as well, and the last few weeks have been really tough not just on myself, but also on many others.
I've had many discussion with people about things over the last few weeks, my post the other day on my dreams is one of them, the other a few more weeks back was much needed as I had lost the feeling that I was meant to be here. I was fighting with myself, and with God, and with people because nothing seemed to fit. I had and still have concerns about friends and family, and life was just seeming a little bleak. It was getting to the point where my often carefully covered emotion where very clear for people to see my discontent. Whilst chatting with many, one really stood out. There is an amazing man with a very welcoming family here at college who sat and told me I was meant to be here, he had watched me plan something in a lecture and had seen a talent in my nature.

Now thinking about it through all this time I've been more than a little down, and things have been going wrong, people keep building me up more and more. Just the today someone told me they would hire me for a job - if they had a job to offer me - because I was hard working and always have a smile.

Its often the strangest things that can build us up the most. A little shamelessly, Ali Johnson made me aware of a Blog he had started (Ali. J. also is the main man behind Natwivity, and works with the evangelist department here at college as a student evangelist) it was his Friday Friend (a college friend of mine) that really spoke very loudly to my soul.

"Trust in the lord always as he is your rock forever" Isaiah 26 -4

Its true.

Time to get back to trusting and stepping out of the boat in faith!

Monday, November 30

What about my dreams?

oh what a day to experiment. all the better with friends who are just amazing. Strange songs in the back ground, amusing tea point decor. This is the life for me. ( been watching to much POTC). Timeless classics, stories to tell the grandchildren, when I find someone to marry that is.
Maybe also when life calms down. Calm Life? whats that, whats that

to little time, so many dreams.

I have so many dreams, but never enough time to share them, let alone address them . I know people care, I really do. Its just the time, the lack of it, and the lack of people who also have the time to spare to listen, and that i wont be to embarrassed to share with I suppose.

So what about my dreams.
They are all pipeliners currently.

Tuesday, November 24

WEB 2.0

It's time like these when I don't want to write that I feel it is probably better that I do.

There was a really interesting question or thought in our lecture today, which was can a blog, like the one I type be used as a tool for evangelism. Struck by the changing world and web 2.0 do we need to bring our resources and tools used in evangelism and in church up to date.

I mean I joined Twitter - in a moment of madness - to find out more about natwivity (http://twitter.com/Natwivity) because I kinda knew the person doing it. Yet everyone has access to twitter, if they have access to the internet. Everyone has access to this blog, and many other great Christian writers blogs, if they have internet access.

Why are we not as a church using resources like this more

Thursday, November 5

today is the day to step out in faith

Sitting on my windowsill I can tell you it's raining.
Sometimes you have to sit on the edge of life looking at the warm and cozy knowing you have to step out into the cold, slightly terrifying, rainy world. However I do not have a ground floor room and the drop currrently would cause much physical pain so I don't think I will try it. But if we go back to the metaphorical-ness of it, I feel thats where I am at.
Sometimes it takes a surreal moment to understand that.

Today I have taken to communions, I always find taking a communion quite a personal experience, and sometimes I will sit and watch others take communion because of its immense power. Today I took part into very different communion services, the first was reasonably formal and traditional. A larger group, Bread and wine (or grape juice), liturgical pattern, ordained presence and it was moving, it was compulsory. I always wonder how many people take communion like this as they feel that they have to?
The second was very informal, a small group of five friends, five fellow travellers, very off the cuff in the middle of a lecture with a wispa bar and some blackcurrant squash. We had prayer, we wanted to be there. We where sharing, we where blessed by God. I wasn't alone.

I live in such a blessed community, where I can come as I am, trips, falls, craziness and madness, and belong to the body of Christ, as well as belong to Christ.




Today is the day to step out in faith, I feel.

Sunday, November 1

Rain

I love the rain. It's quite lonely though. I could be the only person in the world like now. it seems so empty. Void of humanity, and less like what it should be. Although there is something in the emptiness is nice. It is relaxing, peaceful and untroubled. I'm not sure the rain will last, but whilst I'm here and it is raining, I'm going to make the most of it.

Tuesday, October 27

just another clumsy day, just another post.

They wrote me a song. It takes the mic, I'm not sure I care. It's true. I have actually become more clumsy.

Thats without my great love of studying in obscure places. Where to sit tomorrow... slightly tempter by the outside again, it was most enjoyable today. The cold makes you type quicker just to make sure you keep warm and you think to take your mind off being slightly uncomfortable. Plus being slightly cold and uncomfortable was strangely nice. A lot better than sitting on a sofa.

Like the tea point, slight draft, tiles and a bit off height, hey presto work, work, work.
Small square in wall outside, probably the odd spider, drizzle, chilly and well stone, and more work, work and work. I'm not sure how many new places I'm going to be able to find in college, so maybe I should work quicker!

So any ideas of place to sit (where people won't complain about ways of me possibly injuring myself) let me know as I'm slowly getting stuck.

Tuesday, October 20

It was one thousand words in study skills

He called me here.

I am not sure how. I am not really sure when. It happened though. Here I am.

So what comes next. Can not stay bubble wrapped forever.

What Lord comes next? What will happen to me? What will happen to them? What will happen to us? It is tough right. Really rough, really tough.

I sometimes feel so see through, whilst sometimes I feel invisible. Tough, right?

I’m the same as everyone else.

Just the same as everyone else.

I don’t fit in though!

Who does?

I want to make a stand, be brave, brace the world, be understanding! Will I be known for this. Maybe for my crazy hair brained ideas? Maybe for my personality? Maybe for my looks?

Will these be positive or negative. Will I be worth it. Will we be worth it?

Am I clear? Am I clear in who I am, and what I’m here to do. Obviously not, what about RAF chaplaincy, I would have to train. How long does it take to train. Would I candidate? Will I have a family to worry about, a partner. Could I cope with RAF chaplaincy. The deaths, the multiple death’s, confusion on war. The harsh reality. People don’t always come back. I suppose it is like that in the real world; The real world outside here, outside Cliff, outside RAF chaplaincy as well.

What else could I do. I feel so encapsulated by my faith that I’m not entirely sure how to step outside of it.

Pastoral care, I do like to listen. I like to help, but then I sometimes I get dragged in, so dragged in to the problems.

I might have led a boring unexciting life, but I’m no longer sure that’s true? One day I may decide.

Reflection, Lord maybe I should pray more, reflecting on my essay. I should pray before everything I do, maybe read scripture as well? Something is going to have to happen.

I should go gnome it. Maybe I should chat to someone

Local preaching, maybe Nicola she will tell it to me straight.

Talking about writing a sermon, how about the prodigal son? I like that passage, and we all escape right? We all escape. I suppose I’m going to have to get used to writing sermons, it’s going to be that isn’t it. I’m not sure I can run from this any more. They all know it I suppose I should except it.

Should i be footnoting this work [1]? So 1000 words, and I only have half an hour left, half an hour. So much reading to do. Now would be a great chance I suppose. Time in life you can’t get back. I think I think I know what I’m going to write. By the end of reading week I will have done two assignments. Poor second years, they sometimes they seem so down trodden. Really must answer the question. I keep going back to it. Maybe talking to Andrew or someone separate but friendly James C mayhaps, Tara?

Uh oh tutorial I think I may have forgotten it. And I have an art meeting in half an hour, think I may be leaving stuff here and taking it up on the way to tear. Am I fearful. Am I sign posting. It’s raining. Yesterday the trees where on fire, or at least the hills looked like they where burning, that they where smouldering. I’m in a bubble wrap wedding dress. I must be crazy. I just got a text[2]. I wonder who from.

Highlighting, my high school maths teacher used to be scared of my highlighters and me, it worked though, highlighting number, didn’t work with words. I have written the equivalent to the main body of text for a thousand words, just now an introduction and a conclusion. Legitimate, what a word, looking in the thesaurus other words I could have used where lawful or reasonable. I possibly could have used the word genuine; Genuinely a nice word! Wow! Different fonts, that’s how to confuse people. I really do not like the pin stripe tie form on PowerPoint. It really does not work. I saw Bob Marley and black beard the pirate walk past the lecture room window. I must be going mad. No it’s just the letter B day here at college. That’s how things go I suppose? I’m looking forward to the games this afternoon.

I’m not sure I like to plan, someones just left the room. No it’s a bit crazy. A lot crazy. Happily so. No, I don’t like to plan, I like to go with the flow, always prepared but like the flow. Sudden movement is not good.

Poor boy, he really looks lost and annoyed. Want to give him a hug to tell him it will all be fine. That is the problem with having friends, is that you actually start to care. You really start to care. It could be this place. I found sometime in the space to be me, to feel accepted.

So what would I write to conclude. I took half an hour on footnotes this lecture, I can also wear these boots they are incredibly comfortable.

I want to sit on my gnome spot and I do love my changing screen saver.

I still have a lot o f questions to ask., I haven’t got it solved. I still need to chat to someone but oh well. There are people, friends out there who I can do that with. I could wear a hat, that would be rather spiffing. Church tomorrow, and church on Sunday. The parentals are comng down to. I reall hope MD comes save me answering where he is, when I have no idea? I also never want to drive in to Sheffield again. It was very scary if not amusing. Subway tasted good in the end, very good. I think this lecture would have been better if we had just spent the time reading the hand book. It’s what I have taken away.



[1] The answer would be yes. See I can do it!

[2] From my placement partner about an email address

Yesterday, here it seemed that the hills where on fire, autumn was taking hold and the pheonix was dying.

Today it's raining.

Tomorrow...




who knows?
Yesterday, here it seemed that the hills where on fire, autumn was taking hold and the pheonix was dying.

Today it's raining.

Tomorrow...




who knows?

Sunday, October 11

moved to the bottom of the cross

Sometimes in our lives we are quite literally moved to the bottom of the cross,

I think today I'm just wondering what that means for me now, currently, at this time, and what I'm to do now that I find myself here?

Saturday, October 3

How amazing is it to feel at home. I have found this amazing spot to sit in college. its a square kind of tower post upon the terrace, high enough up for people not to notice you especially in the dark. Felt like a gnome though, but the cold rushing wind, the voice of the almighty God rushing past my ears was immense, sometimes you have to be chilled to the burn to understand the warmth of God

Friday, September 25

Living in a community has really got something about it. It has it's up and downs. Currently on a great up. Watching a movie in our student digs.
It's very funny.

Something about sitting with friends makes me feel happy, only keeping half an eye on the movie but it's amusing.




Time for a time and a moment to soon
It's lost upon me the sun at noon
Cause of an action
Statement of life
It's a placement of Jesus
A moment of God
A filling of the Spirit
I hope with open heart
And hand of faith
that my action will
of course prevail
when timelessness feels craziness
I know that following you is best
For Jesus I can proclaim
or shout or whisper to
to show that you are my King
To all to see him here in me.
Let me be known for you
For the things you give me strength to do

Sunday, September 20

its as dark as night but i see it like day

Some may class it as writers block but the last few day's I've really been struggling to find words to say. Out loud or in my head, hand written or typed. I've really struggled with the darkness. I really like the dark theres very little pretence, or barriers or walls. You can't see so you let your guard down, I often feel safe, I can laugh I can cry I can smile in a scary fashion or pull a funny face. I am safe.

But these last few days the dark has turned menacing almost. the refuge often found against the light where the whole pretending thing can happen hasnt been there. Now I know it's strange to seem to mix the ideas of dark and light up but this is me. and it's unnerving to find my often safe space to bright for comfort. Maybe God's telling me something!

Saturday, September 19

I believe in:

I believe in:
  • In JESUS, GOD and the HOLY SPIRIT
  • in encouragement
  • in enthusiasm
  • in loving
  • in forgiving
  • in journeys
  • in hope
  • in faith through action
  • in service
  • in listening
  • in enjoying what I do
  • in singing
  • in making the best out of all situations
  • in handshakes
  • in hugs
  • in comforting
  • in steadying
  • in being prepared
  • in smiling

As this is what I believe in, let me be known by it!

Friday, September 18

Of course that passage in Isaiah is someone great. I said I was scared, which I still am but the answers there in the passage...

1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

Thursday, September 17

And today?

Did something amazing happen or was it just another day?
I think sometimes you have to remember that everyday is an amazing day. A day where maybe things go right, or wrong, that it goes to plan, or it really doesn't. I feel I often take for granted the days, and they soon turn into weeks and them into months and before you know it the years passed and you can't remember where it went. I have often wished my time along, wanting for something.

It's also hard to often see the part that God plays in everything. This week has been a real eye opener for me.

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.


Isaiah 43: 1-2

This week has been very much a constant reminder that God has called me by name, which is scary, and humbling, and confusing, and overwhelming. I keep trying to process this information and I keep failing some what spectacularly. Surely my reaction should be one of joyous enthusiasm and un-contained excitement, which don't get me wrong part of it is that, but a bigger part goes I'm really, really, really scared. People have asked this question all week "so why are you here at Cliff college?". Well I'm here because it felt like home, but I'm here because he called me by name. I've made some fantastically big decisions here at Cliff, and there are plenty more to come, but right now I really am only just keeping my head above water and I'm scared!

Open doors.

On occasions I'm slightly claustrophobic, I like space, and feeling part of something. Plus I like to watch people, and greet people and randomly chat to people. It's shocking!

I try to have an open heart as well. I find that you learn so much more, enjoy so much more.
Well today has been interesting and probably my most challenging today so far at Cliff, I've felt really funny all day. I can't say that I miss home but I could really just do with a hug and a good cry and at the moment I'm struggling to allow my vulnerability show to allow me to cry. There's nothing really in particular that I want to cry about. Just been such a hectic week, busy and new.

It has been good for me in some ways though. I started to make a movie upon freedom. Freedom's a fantastic concept, I feel more free the more I am bound to the cross. Sometimes as in all places the restrictions get to you but often the restrictions are liberating, motivating, encouraging, and essential.

It's life, so live it in all its freedom!

Just another post on just another day

What can today bring, right? It's just another day in the run of the mill week, sitting somewhere within the year, in which there is numerous of decades either side. What can be different about today? We shall have to wait and see.

Wednesday, September 16

quiet day and Hawaiian dancing

yes it can be mixed apparently.
What a blast. God has really spoken to me in the last few days. He has made me know that he has called me by name! it doesn't matter whether I think there is someone better for the job, or whether I'm confused about why, it's up to God.

Just some rubber ducks!

It's quite bizarre that sometimes the unexpected happens. I really don't understand why this is inevitably such a shock! None of it is an accident either, it just happens as God intends and that we are often unaware off.

Today my God is the God if the unexpected...

Monday, September 14

So, a random fact about yourself?

How awesome is the power of a random facts about people?

Right here are a few of mine:
  • I'm a Brownie Leader in training
  • I will quite often wear odd shoes
  • I lived in Germany at a young age
  • Longest bus journey I've taken was 38 hours
  • I do like the film robin hood prince of thieves
  • I can shoot with either hand
  • I like playing frisbee
  • I went to the 21st World Scout Jamboree
  • I like typing/writing
  • I like Kayaking and other adventurous things

So there we go. See now I would love to know what vegetable people would be and why but no one ever asks that!

Getting to know new people is never easy, and I always worry that I seem so detached. I'm quite happy to talk about the small things like the weather (currently cold), where I come from (Norfolk[ish]), favourite colour (blue) and what vegetable would you be (a potato as they can pretty much cope with anything). But the bigger stuff, the stuff which makes you vulnerable is so hard. I've grown up I suppose in a manner where you don't do the vulnerable stuff as it leads at attachment and that's to hard if they move or I move, and i don't suppose it's ever really bothered me much before, no one has really ever wanted me to be like this, they're quite happy to keep me at a distance and let me cope with myself and often them. Yet I don't know whether I'm beginning to feel more ready to be open to sharing, or whether God wants me to be more open in sharing or rather I feel that in the current place I'm in it's just gonna happen and I'm going to have to like it and lump it is probably irrelevant. I think it's time to cope with doing something new, not be so afraid of it.

Sunday, September 13

At the end of the day

"At the end of the day..."
"At the end of the day, I am..."
"At the end of the day, God is..."


At the end of the day,
This I want to be.
Created in Your image,
I know that You know me.
I may be scared and tired,
but You are mighty and strong.
When I'm fighting my reality,
And can't find out what's Real,
I pray for rest and peace,
for I know Your loves me seal.
I arrived!

Saturday, September 5

one last time
sitting in the dark
so far away
so distant
the voices create
six years have gone
the darkness edges closer
around these keys
as i type
the ever gotten
time wasted
breath abated
poetry debated
me slated

Friday, September 4

It seems like a night for nightmares,
I shall try and hold on to the day,
Forever is slipping by my fingers,
and I think I've forgotten how to pray.
I sip down another cold drink
realise my ninth in a night
can't remember when i was sober
I would give my family a fright.
Tomorrow maybe my last day
Shall I go out and do this again
shall i pack it all in to find life once more
is that an even worse end.
What if tomorrows my turn,
to end up impaled on a knife
what if the drink is the reason
to take away my one life.
Forever holds out past the window
it runs like hell on speed
it looksa lot worse than i thought
unless i just took lsd.
He told me his life was his only
I told him to slow down and think
he got drunk one night in some far away town
And him again I never did see
Someone wake me up from this nightmare
Someone wake me up from this dream
I know that day break is near again
but what if this turn s out to be my reality

Thursday, September 3

I like to swim, but has anyone else stared at the underneath of the surface of the water, and been completly blown away by it's beauty?

I make it no secret that I can get truly and deeply transfixed on water.... Isnt it amazing...

***

Come to the living water
drink from the fountain of life
Know the things that he's told us
The things we have come to believe
Allowed by faith to grab us
Hold us, teach us,
Help us, keep us.
For Jesus is the living water

Wednesday, September 2

To think two weeks from now everything will be different, strangely enough everything two weeks ago was different two.

Life is an adventure though. You just have to say "yes". Right?

And a journey, I suppose all journeys are adventures.

I have to say thank goodness for my friends, as without there continued support I would possibly freaking out right now.

Moving out so much doesn't bother me, moving out of my room whilst still living at home has.
But life is an adventure, so time to step out in faith. Once I'm driving I will be fine,
there's just nine days before then .........

I think it's time for some more prayer

Monday, August 24

just another post on just another day

And I stand here, before you my Lord

When I think I’m only just holding on to the hem of your cloak

In reality it’s not quite the same

If I turned round to face you see heaven and earth

Find grace in an instant

At your love outburst

To see you hold me so tight to your chest

Heart wrenching emotions cry out we are blessed

And I know in reality you’ve saved me

I’ve seen that you see me at my best

You’ve given your Son for eternity

And to you LORD I give you the rest

And as I look to the world, my Lord

So distant and partial to the hem of you’re cloak

The reality bites down hard

I see some hope in the brokenness of earth

Need feeding on grace

And an outburst of love

Some to reach out it arms pull it tight to your chest

So that they all know that they are blessed

And I know in reality you’ve saved us

You see this world at its best

You’ve given your son for eternity

Lord it’s time to give you the rest

Saturday, August 15

When we see this sleeping world
that casts a silent glory
we mostly miss the reasons we love it
it's all our individual stories
****

And then they saw you
they saw you there
on a moment held fast by those around
there memories surrounded
opposition ground
as there they saw you
they could smell you touch you taste you
then you spoke to them and their whole beings listened to you
soul met God in a moment
where clarity was lemon
and pancakes wouldnt have tasted better
you took them out of the maze
You are the only one

Thursday, August 13

It's about the small things in life.
Unexpected please, thank you' you thought long lost.
General chatter about the weather.

Not everything has to be wrong
or tough
or deep and meaningful

It's sometimes all about the small things....

Wednesday, August 12

Strange times, require strange chatter.

I didn't quite stumble across the old friends, it was partially arranged, not all spur of the moment.

The rather lovely lunch, a first try of malaysian cuisine, was delightful and the chatter of a good catch not only enlightening but happy. The weather would be, I was to find out, considered to hot for the likes of small children who have just turned one. But a smile was still given in a moment laughter.

Catching up with old friends makes you wonder why you can't stay around for longer, yet to suddenly you are flung back into reality, the constant reminders of change, so near. Saying good bye for to an opportunity that has been really fantastic for me. I've never been so happy to write minutes for any other group in my life! Still keep an eye out for them... they are the norfolk youth fund.

Thursday, August 6

I feel lonely, and scared. I just want some one to help me pick up the pieces of my problems, just to give me a hug. I don't want someone to hold me together forever. Just for now. With time for me to work my head out. 

I just want someone to wipe away my tears and make sure I get safely through the night.

Monday, July 20

Break the glass

Sometimes life throws you tough situations, ones that when people look from the outside they can’t say the problem, it’s like looking through them two way mirrors, where you can see out but past the reflection the person imparts on the mirror they can’t see in. It is then even harder to show the scars from which you also hide behind the glass.

It is often when others reflection come into our hearts that we feel most like a failure. We forget all that we can be and only see what is the hard part.

Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit each, all and one looks at us with such love, grace and mercy that the glass kind of crumbles. You cascade magnificently into the world of shattered glass, the image is often portrayed with heartbroken melancholy, but you neglect to see that the light plays differently on shattered glass. It gleams brighter than ti ever was whole.

God, each, all and one, breaks us down to shine brighter, not with melancholy beauty but pure, open love.

Saturday, July 11

No superhero here

I love You Lord

I worship You Lord, always

So thankful Lord - You saved my life

You saved my life today


Let me be a shining light for You

Let me be a joy to You always

Let me be a shining light for You

Let me be a joy to You always


No superman

I'm no hero

I'm just a man in Your eyes

But through Your son I've overcome

The father of all lies

- tree 63 Joy



I often think that sometimes people think I can work miracles, or can solve any problem or dramas. SOmetimes they think I don't tire and don't need sleep. I'm glad God can see my faults, it's what makes me human, yes I do need to sleep, and I do cry myself to sleep when it all becomes to much. I can try and catch as many people as I can put them in the recovery position, clean and bandage there wounds, but in the end it's down to them and God for time to heal.

I'm not super man, and I'm no hero... allthings I've been called this week. I can't work miracles, or solve problems...
I'm just human

Monday, July 6

One hundred years to live

What if you knew you had one hundred years to live. Look at the song "100 years" by Five For Fighting.
Day by day time goes by, I think we forget that. Wish that time passed quicker, or that moments last a life time. That extra five minutes you had in bed because you couldn't be bothered to get, ever wondered what you missed? What about the moment you walked passed someone you knew, or went home early.

I don't suppose it matters your age just remember to live life, it really isn't a specators sport...

"When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes bySuddenly you�re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on... I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are 15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too33 you�re on your way
Every day's a new day... 15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live - 100 Years by Five For Fighting"

Sunday, July 5

I just want you to know who I am

You have to love the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. It's lyrics are completely real. I rarely, for many reasons, listen to this song without wanting to cry, but it is one of my favourite songs.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Strangley it does seem up some parts of my life. My relationship with God could be summarised in this song. The conversation of confused, scared and lonlieness. Uncertainty and harsh relality negate what happens. The thing is, with this being a conversation to God I feel it is a conversation for me personally to every friend and stranger I meet. I'm not sure wether we are all scared, or have problems, and I'm sure many many people are themselves. It's hard to understand... you wouldnt understand, but I still want you to know who I am.

Saturday, July 4

Well I suppose there is no time like the present for mocking your own words.

Friday, July 3

A Storm

I'm rather odd... There is no two ways about it. I am or rather was standing in the glorious shower of God's rain as it poured rather nicely buckets of cool rain drops upon my person. It is the most delightful thing you can probably ever do, stand in the cool rain on a rather warm day.

God's amazing at calming the storm. Recently the the story of Jesus calming the storm stands out so strongly.

A Storm (Matthew 8:23-27 Contemprorary English Version)

(Mark 4.35-41; Luke 8.22-25)
After Jesus left in a boat with his disciples, a terrible storm suddenly struck the lake, and waves started splashing into their boat.
Jesus was sound asleep, so the disciples went over to him and woke him up. They said, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
But Jesus replied, "Why are you so afraid? You surely don't have much faith." Then he got up and ordered the wind and the waves to calm down. And everything was calm.
The men in the boat were amazed and said, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him."


Life consists of many storms, I'm sure for some it appears more terential rain than heatwaves on occasion. That is life. I often feel I am drowning, that the water just keeps on rising.... theres never a plug to these sort of things thats you can pull out and it all disappears, although I have tried to find them on many occasions.

Now as I said I'm odd , I don't sit still very well. I quite like the drama, or at least to be doing something. Many can vouch for that. So when the calm comes it certainly feels strange...

I think though the problem with calm is you know it wont last. So I'm not praying to God for the calm, as he will provide that when he's ready. I'm praying for the rain, and the storm, as that way I know who I am and that he is in charge.

"Jesus bring the rain!"

Monday, June 22

Time is wasted on us I feel...
We always keep things by time.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.
To preoccupied by the time we have spent doing things that we don't see how much more we waste.

Time is prescious. it is limited
So make it count

Monday, June 15

Where is the love ?

The year 2003.
Started on a wednesday, was the year of freshwater.

January 25th - 34 people are injured on the tube.
January 30th - support is releasedfrom the UK in support of Disarming Iraq

February 9th - BBC three takes over what was BBC Choice

March 3rd - capture of suspected mastermind behind 9/11
March 18th - British sign langage becomes an officail British language
March 20th - USA, UK, Poland and Australia invade Iraq

April 9th - Saddam Hussein's regime is over in Baghdad through the force of U.S Forces

May 2nd - Monkey man superhero hoax of tunbridge wells
May 24th - Turkey win the Eurovision song contest

June 1st - 29th G8 summit opens
June 22nd - largest hailstone ever recorded in Nebraska

July 5th - double suicide bombing at a moscow rock concert kills attackers and 15 others
July 7th - the first possible Gay bishop decides against it after talking to church leaders
July 8th Sudan airways flight 39 crashes in Sudan, killing 116 of 117 passengers, the only survivor was two years old

August 1st - A suicide bomber rams a truck filled with explosives into a military hospital near Chechnya, killing 50 people, including Russian troops wounded in Chechnya
August 28th - An electricity blackout cuts off power to around 500,000 people living in southeast England and brings 60% of London's underground rail network to a halt

September 10th - Estonia approves the refuerendum to join the EU
September 14th - Sweden rejects the Euro

October 24th - Concorde takes last commercial flight.

November 5h - The "Green River Killer", confesses to murdering 48 women
November 22nd - England wins rugby world cup

December 1st - using a mobile became illegal whilst driving
December 13th - Saddam Hussein is captured
December 18th - Soham Murder trial ends, Ian Huntly found guilty of two murders

In 2003 popular internet searches where Britney Spears, Iraq and earthquakes. For images it was eminem, britney again, and the Simpsons.

Now does anyone remember that 2003 song that reached 16 number one places and 22 top twenty spots in the charts around the globe? That was the top UK selling single of 2003?
Where is the love?
I was listening to this song and the words in which had so many people agreeing with it and saying yes where is the love, what have we got to six years later?
Can we really say we've taken that song to heart...

"I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found
Now ask yourself

People killin',
people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek
Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above'
Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love"

Well what is our world coming too

2009 started on a Thursday, the last years of the 2000's, national year of astonomy and natural fibres.

January saw Obama as the first black president of America, and the continued bombing in the east.

February Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir is appointed as the new Prime Minister of Iceland, becoming the world's first openly gay head of government and Members of the Bangladesh Rifles paramilitary force begin mutinying. Over 80 are killed.

In March Guinea-Bissau's president is assinated, gunman attack a srilanken cricket bus killing 8 and injurying 7, josef Fritzl is found guilty for enslaving and raping his daughter for 24 years and killing there infant and flash flooding and the Situ Gintung dam's failure kill at least 99 people in Tangerang, Banten, Indonesia

April is the month that earthquakes strike Italy killing 293 and injuring over 1500, the former peruvian president is sentenced to prison for using the security forces to kill and kidnap people and the first awareness of influenza "swine flu" is broadcast

May brings nuclear testing, rebelling and revolting across areas of the globe.

Halfway through June, 228 people are presumed dead from the missing from Air France Flight 447 and Swine flu is announced a pandemic. This is all that made wikipedia.

Headlines for EDP today....
Escaped prisoner accused of murdering Yarmouth pensioner
Fruit farm workers jailed for Norfolk rape
Norwich man denies murdering paedophile

Where is the love

Our Love can be the revolution
So here I stand
Outstreched arm and outsteched heart
Crying for the things I've seen
The destinations and outcome that could have been
And as I try to make sense of it all
Words try fail and escape me
I don't have all the answers to all of the questions
I don't understand the reason
But I trust Jesus and I know
Our love can be the revolution!

How about the rest of 2009.... maybe it's time for us to remember the love!

Thursday, June 4

Mundesley Beach and a quiet old church



I wanted to say goodbye to a few things yesterday. Origanlly it wasn't even the place I turned up at. I took time to think first, so I went to the beach. Whilst thinking I had time to write.




Take time to stop


and listen


I went to the place where God's voice is always clearer


Maybe it's the sea air


or incomprehendable sound of the waves


I don't know maybe the wind chills me stops me stressing, makes me relax


or the air so fresh makes you realise how cluttered your world is.


Maybe this place is just happy for the memories. Laughter and sand.


Or maybe here I am just small and insignificant




---




I think this place is great because it is never the same.


It changes, always just a fleeting moment. You have to say goodbye, always. Maybe knowing you can never come back makes it easier. Maybe the quiet moments alone to listen are significant. No rebellious Pirates




---




I walked along the beach path


the tide was coming in, so no one was really on the beach.


the breeze blowing the cobwebs away


and peace filling my heart.


Last time I came here I cam with a friend and we nearly got run over. We p[layed crazy golf!


Today is a lot different.




Space and time to think


To say Goodbye? I will return here, just not like this, not for a while


Drama today did not play the air unlike next time I'm sure


today wasjust hope, peace and salt.


And two cups of tea.


Time to start living adventourously


not shirking responisbility


time to get on with life.




----




I did say goodbye, briefly, not to the beach I will go back there soon, but to a place that I should have done years ago.


And as I reread my writings today, I feel no sadness, no joy. They where words of one of lifes journeys. One which had not quite started and has no where near ended.It was about the courage to take change go, with change, maybe even be that change. They are words I'm sure all people wonder at some point when walking along the beach of the known to unknown, espicially when the tide is rough, just some prayers go out for home, not the bit we don't know.

Tuesday, June 2

Drama, drama, drama

Drama, drama, drama

What sometimes I wouldn't do for the quiet life... I can see it now (if this was a movie the screen would go cloudy and camera would move up as if in to a dream like state in which the character would ponder a life of quietness.)

Nice house, with loving husband, pretty kids who are doing reasonably well, regular visits from family and friendly neighbours, all smartly turned out to go to church on sunday. Days on the beach, walking the dog, aughing on a boat. Cooking, cleaning, ironing, transporting and organising, cosmopolitan with the girls every friday... probably the biggest drama being what someone said about my cakes at the church fete.

In some ways I would love this life, it sounds so simple, so care free, but would I not miss the drama. Well it makes a nice day dream and even if I only get a part of that (husband, kids and complaints babout cakes) I'm sure I will be happy...

As for now back to the constant that is...
Drama, drama, drama

Wednesday, May 27

Cliff a small snippet

At cliff they do a thing called LNE which is really cool!

And they usually have like a speaker and a prayer and a response to either of these at some point in the evening (the theme of festival was change, so Friday night was God the same, Sat: change the world, Sun: change the church, Mon: Change me)
So Sunday I went to LNE and at the beginning of worship I sat there think I’m going to have to text someone about GOD and then the speaker got talking and he was saying how we as a generation had so many ways of communication and the more how he spoke the more I felt I really had to text/tell someone it was like my heart felt really warm so he got to the response

And he said I don’t want anyone to stand up out of emotion, just out of reason if anyone wants to commit wholly to
To spreading the gospel outside cliff festival stand up, think about it and stand up
And I sat there thinking well if I stand up it's an emotional response
I can’t
And the more I thought this the more I felt I had to stand up
So I had this internal struggle
I just kept thinking we
Well I can text someone later
You know
Meh I don’t need to stand up
Well in the end I stood up
Right and he said I’m going to pray for those who stood up (out of a room of 100 + there was about 15 of up) and then
Then he said after I’ve prayed I want you to do something

I want you to text at least three people asking to chat about God
Then at the end of worship I sat down and managed to zone out right through the heavy rock band and then silence. Took some lovely people to bring me back to planet earth.


Talk about God aye?

Kind of why I might have text you about Rain... It’s not exactly as if it’s great and completely shining in my life so say metaphorically you could class it is a slightly drizzly... but He – the awesome creator is. Amen to that.

He also told me over my slight nervousness of uni not to worry so all is rather good :D

xxx

Tuesday, May 19

What an amazing two years, but really what an amazing 18 years

Within the last five minutes the realisation that sixth form is coming to an end is rather to close for comfort. I know that exams for some of us (well me) are rather a way off yet but for most Friday is the last official day of college. Again I am bucking the trend and Thursday is my last day.

It's strange how quickly time goes, cause it only seems like yesterday that I was here before at the end of high school, my last day, waiting to go to cliff, turning 16 strangely ambling past people avoiding saying the dreaded goodbye. The only difference is in a way I was glad to leave high school (yes I do think that 14 G.C.S.E's was way too much).

However the friends and the experiences at Sixth Form will inevitably make me sad to leave Notre Dame. Maybe that’s why I'm not so sad I'm missing Friday to go to Cliff but rather glad to be putting off saying goodbye because this way I can leave it for just a few more days. Get used to the idea that I will no longer have to get up at 6.30 because I need to get ready to catch a bus, but rather because 6.30 is quite a jolly time to get up. That I won't have to walk up Surrey Street in all forms of adverse weather conditions, all with high winds as is the way on Surrey Street avoiding people buses and cars whilst risking your life to cross the road. I will neither be ridiculously early or sublimely late to form or assembly, no more weird assemblies, or damn strange form times. And I won’t have to remember which building I'm in for my lesson, or walk to the top of St. J's every Monday morning to be with the loud year twelve’s in AS Business. Nor will my history lessons ever again consist of wild hand gestures and question upon the religion and the existence of God. And I’m sure I will miss the weird tangents, stories and gossiping put forward by my fellow philosophy and ethics students, and the existence of squirrels in classes well definitely brighten up many days. And when the times of academia get too much I'm sure I will miss the scarily quiet library and the canteen with its supply of number 64 vending machine coffees. The food, the seeds, the stars for birthdays and the fire alarms, the collapsing people and the hugs when you burst into tears. I will miss the way small kids always get in the way and that there is always a person to pull funny faces at, or to stop and say hello to. I will miss my Friday lunch times often with their air of unpredictability, love and prayers.

I will of course miss most all the many great friendships formed either in passing or on a more substantial scale. Too many names to mention and embarrass, but it wouldn’t have been the same without them.

And I suppose as the saying goes, tide and time stay for no man and you have to move along with where the wind blows you. Whether you take a path that’s trodden in similar directions or you take another direction I suppose I would like to thank all friends for the last fantastic 18 years. Whether I've known you from NWHS, NDHS, MAYC, Guiding, church, etc, ect, etc or possibly from the future Thank you, for it is much my opinion that I am who you've made me.

Much love

xxxx

Monday, May 18

written at worship leaders last night

Crashing round, crashing sound
Surrendering and bowing down
Breaking the bread
Drinking the wine
Coming to the Lords table to dine
Sharing the fellowship
Making amends
Sing Your praise
Of which will never end
Many tears of faith and joy
Sadness, fear and confusion
He takes our hands within his own
And helps us join as one
So here we take off our shoes
Become broken here before you
Warm our hearts with love and grace
And we shall smile
As we depart from this hall
We know that you shall not call
As we will walk with you

Thursday, May 14

yes i really am an accident prone walking disaster

how often do accidents bring what makes you smile.
I have once again twisted my ankle, i was thinking about the last time I did it. life hasnt been the same since.
life also hasnt been the same since i pulled my achilles tendon, i made some fantastic friends in doing that.

other accidents include spilling half a tonne of coffee over the canteen, or slicing your finger off....
tripping over a guy rope...... um 27 times

accidents maybe the way that we learn something about ourselves. and they are not in itself always bad.

Monday, May 11

I like to wear odd colour shoes
I like to wear heals even more
I would live in dresses and skirts if I could
The same goes for living in a tent
I have lived in nine houses
I’m 17
I don’t know how or why my nick name is spelt with out an e
I want to roll in the snow
I want to go kayaking
I like to dream
I write poems
I’ve even had a poem published
I want to publish my poetry books
I love being on radio
I love running around like a headless chicken
I love leading worship
I am a robin hood addict
I’m a Methodist
I’m trained in basic first aid
My favourite place in the world is the beach (in winter)
I love my friends
I like to receive letters
When I count I sometimes miss out 13
I like to sing and wont to learn to play the guitarI really do love my friends

Friday, May 8

late nights, early mornings, special connections, and half a tonne of texts :P

One of these days when I say "I'm going to have an early night" I might actually preceed not to get distracted. Okay so in this case it's not a bad distraction but a rather a much enjoyed and welcome one, none the less :P

any way today in the car on the way to drop of my course work (yep it's all done)we where discussing assemblies. now there is a link to what i'm going to type about which is special connections.

In my time i have done many assemblies, i have also seen some memorable ones, such as the one with the massacre of the ty beanie baby, or the one where our teacher ate dog food, and even one where we looked at a clip and completely missed the mouse. yet one which stands out kinda just for comedy genius is by a teacher who can only be described as the man who speaks in metaphors. He told this story, its about a special connection

There was a man who lived just away from a village, he was a holy man who prayed and prayed, and belived that god would answer his prayers

Then suddenly one day a disaster strikes, the land in which the man lives floods and the poor man you know can't really swim, so he stands there in a few inches of water and prays, because he has this special connection with God.
its getting a bit uncomfortable with the water and along comes a helicopter and it shouts down "wanna lift mate" and the man goes nah im fine god's gonna rescue me.
so he goes, back to his praying , he can no longer kneel in prayer as well the waters is risingbut he has faith.
then along comes a boat, and once agian this boat offers him a lift, but the man ever trusting in god declines and gets on with his praying.
now the man is standing kinda trying to stand on tip toes and this these pieces of wood float past and still he prays to god to save him. because of course he believes and has faith.
So about ten minutes later he lands at the entrnce of the pearly gates (he died) causing a small puddle and demands to the man on reception to see God so the receptionist (probably peter) obliging shows him to God.
the convo goes something like this

Man (annoyed) : I thought you understood me, i thought we had a special connection, i had faith, I prayed
God: yes yes now yep
Man (interupting) : now look there was a flood and i prayed for you to save me and well i ended up here dead... where were you
God: look man, you prayed so i answered, i mean i thought you would look at the helicopter and go ahha thank you lord but no
man: well you eum beh (stuttering)
God (continues): and then i sent that boat I mean were your eyes closed
man goes bright red
God: and the wood by then well i was getting slightly exsaperated i thought we had a special connection, even a blind man could see


How often do we miss the things right under our noses. special connections with God, and friends and just in general that maybe need to be looked at.

Special connections are great, just dont forget to keep your eyes open.

xxx

Thursday, May 7


where does all the time go... to heaven

People who make us smile are often the most valuable. I am blessed in my life to have a few who make me smile when of the day isn't pleasent. I have come down with that horrid cold that when typing coursework makes it near on possible to stay willing to live let along to smile.

I often think though as well we take for granted the people who make us smile. maybe it's time to tell them that they do. embaress them slightly by saying something. laugh at there reaction, they might even be a little scared, often it's humerous. let someone today know they make you smile, and often you will see that grin spread across that face.

Thank you everyone for the happy thoughts. I have nearly finished the course work so after that I will hopefully begin to write more often again.

I'm hoping this has made someone smile.

xxx

Friday, May 1

is the world just sunny today or faking it in fear, has love made skies a sunny bright, or will black clouds appear. And if we do not hold this place accountable to us, who willl stand up and save it when all else is lost

Broken and used, scared and abused

Inspiration - the source of everything, where would be if someone had not been inspired to do anything. For starters I would not be sitting upon a chair typing something on a computer, whilst waiting for a text, drinking coke and listening to Scott Stapp sing Broken - Hence the title (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcpQswGTxBc).

Inspiration, that small spark of life that changes a person into motivation, starting do something. The BBC has recently run a show called the speaker, which I haven't been watching avidly but I caught a glimpse of a group of speaches for the semi-finals. They where asked to talk about what inspired them.

Now believe it or not I do quite like public speaking, typing is often easier but there is a certain thrill of standing up and talking to one person, pretty much the same as talking to in excess of 200 people. It's a personal dialogue, and my mother was saying how i might have been good at such a programme as the speaker, so she asked me what inspired me. To at which point I turned round and commented that spometimes inspiration isn't a singular thing that we recieve, it is something we should look for in everything we see, hear, say and do. Often inspiration comes from with in our selves (just got my text) we often don't see that what we ourselves do is amazing, For starters that fact that we are living beings is pretty complex and inspirational, wouldnt you say? Things we say ourselves to other can be inspirational, "sorry" "Yes" "Thank you" "I love you". Often forgotten and pushed aside for fear of worry and critical worries from others.I'm sure public speakers fear this more so than many.

Then of course there is the rest of the world, rape seed is out in majestic colour, and ocean of bright yellow that is quite sad and meloncholy I feel. But inspirational none the less. Martin Luther King Junior and his speach "I have a dream" has continuously inspired many, to do all sorts of things, drama, dance, freeedom!

What about a small child learning to play a violin, now they never set me freeon one of these and even my brother only had a cello, but I know just how badly they squeak when in the small hands of those learning to play. Inspirational or just painful? I think the former, you just have to look at the beauty of the situation, don't you?

My Inspiration for this week ? Well alsorts but mainly this video ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

Tuesday, April 21

All the small things? What do you feel?

and how do you see heaven today?
will it be the same as tomorrow?
is it true as snowboarders say?
is heaven really a half pipe?

Monday, April 20

and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

Sunday, April 19

Friday, April 17

Music and Lyrics

Sitting in the glorious sun filled dining room typing today listening to music, has been stressful and its only lunch time but there has been something more...

Music is such an important part of some many peoples lives yet often we regard it as something almost throw away, just there. You could say we even take it for granted...

how often though have you felt inspired by song, maybe a song has moved you to tears, moved you to stand, made you realise something, made you stop, made you think, made you humm and sing along,

made you happy?

sitting here this morning just listening to 16 songs again and again I have been through asorts of music. my brother strums his guiatar not realising the difference in someones life he makes every time he plays.

sometimes it's the music, the piano introduction to awesome God, the instrumental in the darkenesses i believe in a thing called love, something just connects to the heart. I'm sure my brother would say that summer in g major by vivaldi means something to him, no lyrics just pure music.

More often than not for me it is the lyrics that capture my soul. I like my words. and there are millions of lyrics out there. some you never fully understand. a few months ago I found myself at a local community church singing forever God is faithful in serbian, untill the moment i sang it in a different language I'm not sure I had grasped the meaning of it that I have today, and I still thend to sing it in serbian rather than english. I'm also sure that it's meaning will change again for that is the nature of music in context, it changes.

So many songs in my life hav meant so much. A different one each day. A different one for each event. A different one for different people. but happy memories in among the side.

Time to sing out loud...

Wednesday, April 15

i lost what i thought i had and found i still had nothing
time doesnt wait for the dor to open does it
not any more
if the world should end tomorrow
we'veall been through this bother
and it doesnt take mother
earth to recognise the sights
and terms
condition is what the time cant see its bending willows
leaving me
sweeping me away in time and tide
to pretend the fake
of flakey paint
we are wasting away
pasting away cutting from the screen
losing the blood behind the obscene
crushing whats left of love by his beside
sadly sadly the team is split
chicken pox in the boxoff
time to tear
time to wear
fair the fear
and fear to be
for ever and ever this world is wasting
tasting, fasting , shaking shock
and then there where two
you have to look
take away your cheerleaders
take away your fame
take away your lipgloss mask and pretty blonde dye
take away them clothing shoes
and what theyhave to say
as i really want the real you
to shake away this pain
scratches on cds
post in a box
male on the road
broken bones
broken stones
broken words
broken world
time to share
create repair
forget the tear
tears they fall on times they cry
and the tears that are forgotten
are the worlds greatest crime
they kept you under lock and key
barber wire surround you
dont let me fall
oh yes oh yes
mighty king of heaven savedme
oh yes oyes
hallelujah
when i thought things couldnt get worse
i realsised i forgotten my purpose
the rain it showered down
and still i praised
his mighty hand
and he is great
he is great
king and lord of all time
for he is great
he great
and he saved a life like mine
and he is great he is great king and lord of all timefor he is great he great and he saved a life like mine
over the seas the time does go
over the trees we do soar
king and creation
amazing spirit
lord of all time
this is what i live for
this is where i say

Thanks

Tuesday, April 14

what the world needs now they say is love sweet love
but i have found a sweeter love and his name is Jesus

in ecclesiasties it talks about time and season for every event in life. and looking round you can see each season.
the song turn turn turn, look it up sometime.
when life looks tough it always seems worse doesnt it and the good stuff always seems better.
one of my friends calls it limboing
trust the welshy aye
you just have to rememeber the solid rock :D
Time for hate
time for space
time for his amazing grace
What the world needs now ....

Sunday, April 12

oh what a gloriuos day

Oh how can i thank him
for what he did
a man that stands out
that scores would fight for
not through oppression or greed
but through the fought of love and grace
mercy divine
and living in dying

Saturday, April 11

guess what... a poem

like a firework
ive zoomed across the sky
flown high
wondering
pondering
falsifying
and terrifying
but not at all undiluting
but ever so likely
that one day i will go boom
a bright fright
for you all

Friday, April 10

anothe poem hot of the press

when the world runs quiet
and you turn up late
its not the desire that makes us hate
for if the love of a journey
was to make it to the end
then would it drive us round the bend
to be a lone
once in a while
maybe take that longer mile
this world can take it's toll
but when it does take the bus
the jounrey will be easier on us
and tomorrow
when the world's okay
remember me this happy way
and not what i feel

Thursday, April 9

dont wanna stand here
but i cant walk away
my pain and shame
fading into the once coloured frame
what this world needs is a hero
super-slogan and hope
time for him to rise
come from the grave
three days dead
who but can he save
and on the dawn of dusk here cries
the angels by and at his side
tomorrow this world will be different
for once again I have my king
and praises to him i will sing

Tuesday, April 7

Weeping, wasting
leaving lately
I watch the sun set
across the water
I watch it rise across the skies
And i watch the sun linger midless
along the streets they walk
for time is swiftly fleeting
along this lonely floor
and as i see the pairings shatter
i watch the postcards flutter
from rescue me to save the trees
Pictures float past
different windows
winning motives
and if faith has to play
it's smallundevaiting path
then we should know it's bigger
bigger than what we see
larger than what we know
huger than you and me
the mess we have laid down
the typing of random scenes
linked so cleaverly with rhyming words
for this broken world is all i see
it's scenes include the summer fields
and the snowy mountian tops
but more it is the war torn desert
and gun ravaged streets
and all it takes is the tears of a child
to see the human inside us all
scared, lost alone

I'm crying
not for you or me
but for this broken world
as that is all I can see

Monday, April 6

tomorrow is a different day
lets up it changes us in a different way
shape up shake up its time to see
that its not your time to believe in me
turn round look back at the deep blue see
my friends are already on the attack
they create and they collapse
they shape and they relapse
but im not sure i care
im not sure if i can stay awake no more
im to tired to stand its time for me to fall
its time for you to believe in yourself
its time for me to fall

Sunday, April 5

Take a stand

take a stand, a stab in the dark

forget what would happen

what has happened

its just you against the world now

with only a back up plan

Saturday, April 4

thoughts for the fortnight

so here it is the list as compiled once again by Bx and Ruth:

  1. We are Robin Hood!!!
  2. Never go to buy something from tescos that hasn't been released
  3. try not to smother dolphins
  4. photos are friends not food
  5. apostrophes such as this one ' right there are um a conumdrum to bx
  6. but not to ruth
  7. we should go t'pub
  8. meh
  9. awerome and awo is a new word for a new era
  10. time and tide and rain and buses wait for no man
  11. or women
  12. ruth loves JA more than someone or other does
  13. texting is bad for a phone's battery
  14. but then so is lasagne
  15. dressing gowns make good camp fires
  16. dancing with david tennant does not count as a date
  17. well it doesnt count if it's a david t calender
  18. however dancing with a dolphin could just about = a date
  19. lists are fun
  20. bx loves ruth
  21. ruth loves dragon
  22. dragon does not love bx
  23. we want Will back!
  24. you can't swim on dry land
  25. bx was mad enough to try
  26. where is the cider?!?!?!?
  27. too much cider apples the brain
  28. brian will get his come uppance
  29. like matt my typing is inaudible
  30. you always find love in the last place you look
  31. and often the last place you look is right under your nose
  32. high mountains are often high and hard to spell ... like killamawotsit
  33. two men drama or two women dramas are often shorter than ever imaginable
  34. are you really still reading this list?
  35. poor person
  36. let my lifesong sing to you
  37. bx only bites on a thursday
  38. the new mya layout looks good...
  39. once you've read the proposal 79373940 times
  40. metro station are awerome!
  41. only 9 to go
  42. when there is a storm, you know it's time to give up sanity to dance and sing in the rain
  43. colds are annoying
  44. being cold is annoying
  45. being hot is annoying
  46. having hayfever is annoying
  47. does any one actually care what gibberellic acid is?!?!?
  48. bx has no idea what ruth was going on about in number 47
  49. the floor is comfortable untill you sit on it
  50. leave a comment if you wish us to add another 50, leave a comment if you dont want us to leave another 50..... may be just leave a comment

Friday, April 3

Time to rest oh yeah I know hypocritical and all but it is good to really stop
to sleep
to think
to step out of the box/house/town/bus/car/work/world
its just what it is
escapism

Thursday, April 2

Time has taken it's toll
it's made me tired
and crazy
fallen apart and less in that start
paying ways
times dont change
time for us to change

Wednesday, April 1

Sleeping is good
sometimes you have to stop think and sleep
and if all else fails stop and cut out the thinking

Tuesday, March 31

madness persues only thoses
who can escape, but the trails of an ordianry man,
may fade away away in time
but, only by his own hand,
and if then the world could be,
what all men wish to see,
will he have done his part
through hunger and emptiness of heart,
and all who no this feeling crave it
like figs to a dove,
they name it love

Monday, March 30

London is a great place to loose yourself
you can disappear and it is so impressive
when you finally manage to find your way
well its good

Sunday, March 29

time is odd loose and hour gain your life
just rembember to pray
and learn how to spell

Saturday, March 28

Always file paper work in safe places and the bible doesnt count.
working wth no heating will mean you will be cold
and keep smiling that way the world will always wonder

and one more thing

life is like a seesaw

always more fun with some one else

x

Friday, March 27

poem, revised edition

And if they all took time to look
then maybe they would see
step, back, relax, it's fine, really
I'm still me

Just reach out to let me know
you will stick and stay around
for time is slipping past my friend
and my feet have lost there ground

Well if tomorrow I say goodbye
please just take no attention
I'm only just freaking out
about this new sensation

Maybe time will halt for us
maybe time will stop for old friends
then we will never have to move on
and this will never have to end

Thursday, March 26

sometimes its good just to say yes
sometimes you just have to take a stab in the dark
dont forget or regret

Wednesday, March 25

Home?

I know it seems really hard to admit but sometimes you just want to scream and run away. Run away from everything, the people and the places and go home. But what happens if you have nowhere to call home. So you have a roof over your head and you’re not living on a street, but a home?

The dictionary isn’t even brief about what a home is it goes on for quite a while. As a noun it is:

• A place where one lives; a residence.
• The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.
• A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.
• An environment offering security and happiness.
• A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.
• The place, such as a country or town, where one was born or has lived for a long period.
In the thesaurus:

noun
1. A building or shelter where one lives: abode, domicile, dwelling, habitation, house, lodging (often used in plural), place, residence. Chiefly British dig (used in plural). See protection/exposure.
2. The natural environment of an animal or plant: habitat, haunt, stamping ground. See territory.
3. An institution that provides care and shelter: asylum, hospice, hospital, shelter. See protection/exposure.
adjective
1. Of or relating to the family or household: domestic, familial, family, homely, household. See kin, group.
2. Of, from, or within a country's own territory: domestic, internal, national, native. See native/foreign.

"Home is the place where we are treated the best, but grumble the most." - Source Unknown

I suppose it really does rest on what you determine as home, whether you do believe that a home is that place with four walls, some windows, the door and a roof. Maybe even in some case it will have a nice garden with roses and lavender, a winding path, small pond, weeping willow and a picket fence. Yet, what if a home is where the heart really lives, a place where you know that you belong there more than any other place in the world. How confused does a person have to be to feel that they have yet to find that place, and will they ever find a home?

One of my friends says I am not from this planet, I have no qualms about this I suppose my home is in heaven, yet so is his in the end but he still has a place of this world and on this earth. Some would have thought that a belief in God would have solved this missing home problem, and still there is feeling of as ever being lost. Maybe nine homes in 17 years is to much?
I think that sometimes more than ever I really wish for a home; somewhere that I really feel myself. I think college has brought me one step closer to that because I am no longer afraid of the person I am towards other people. I am myself. I don’t think my high school really got to appreciate that on one to many occasions. I think some of me was always fake, always trying to make other people happy, always doing as I was told. Maybe that fearless girl that could contend with anything, get everyone into order, listened to others was, essentially, just a person trying to exaggerate herself to make herself seem more real to others and herself. But then maybe I am that person. The problem with pretending is that at sometime you cross the point of the quiet person you where, the person that wanted to talk about her problems, the person who was scared and turned into the person she was pretending to be.

Just to make matters more confusing, maybe that is the way you are supposed to find “who you are” or maybe that was how I was supposed to do it. It’s not as if people hate that me and I really can’t see me going back to that slightly shy awkward person. So I am me and I like me. Just do I have a home.

I sit here in my college common room come study area and I think about my parents. What would they think if I said I had no home? It’s not the fact that they don’t try its just always the nagging feeling of incompleteness, I don’t suppose it is even that. It’s just there, it’s something you know.

Maybe my home is in heaven? But what if we all have it all wrong. I try not to pass on that fact.
Generally when life gets to hard we all try to bow out, run away and so on we shut everything up inside and try and forget leave the memories so far behind that all other matter seems to have left you as well.

Basically my God reigns. It’s a random thing to add but on top of the am I this person who everyone thinks they know but they really don’t and whether I have a home or not, this is a pretty major thing. Maybe I need to explain this one out. If my God reigns then I have a home and maybe by the feeling that I don’t have home my home is in heaven and I should not try and deny that living here is, at least, awkward. And if my God reigns, which he does, then he will accept who I am. So am I completely waffling you begin to wander? No, this confused person jabbering on is getting to a point just one that she can’t see but God is obviously calling her to express.