Tuesday, March 31
who can escape, but the trails of an ordianry man,
may fade away away in time
but, only by his own hand,
and if then the world could be,
what all men wish to see,
will he have done his part
through hunger and emptiness of heart,
and all who no this feeling crave it
like figs to a dove,
they name it love
Monday, March 30
Sunday, March 29
Saturday, March 28
Friday, March 27
then maybe they would see
step, back, relax, it's fine, really
I'm still me
Just reach out to let me know
you will stick and stay around
for time is slipping past my friend
and my feet have lost there ground
Well if tomorrow I say goodbye
please just take no attention
I'm only just freaking out
about this new sensation
Maybe time will halt for us
maybe time will stop for old friends
then we will never have to move on
and this will never have to end
Thursday, March 26
Wednesday, March 25
The dictionary isn’t even brief about what a home is it goes on for quite a while. As a noun it is:
• A place where one lives; a residence.
• The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.
• A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.
• An environment offering security and happiness.
• A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.
• The place, such as a country or town, where one was born or has lived for a long period.
In the thesaurus:
1. A building or shelter where one lives: abode, domicile, dwelling, habitation, house, lodging (often used in plural), place, residence. Chiefly British dig (used in plural). See protection/exposure.
2. The natural environment of an animal or plant: habitat, haunt, stamping ground. See territory.
3. An institution that provides care and shelter: asylum, hospice, hospital, shelter. See protection/exposure.
1. Of or relating to the family or household: domestic, familial, family, homely, household. See kin, group.
2. Of, from, or within a country's own territory: domestic, internal, national, native. See native/foreign.
"Home is the place where we are treated the best, but grumble the most." - Source Unknown
I suppose it really does rest on what you determine as home, whether you do believe that a home is that place with four walls, some windows, the door and a roof. Maybe even in some case it will have a nice garden with roses and lavender, a winding path, small pond, weeping willow and a picket fence. Yet, what if a home is where the heart really lives, a place where you know that you belong there more than any other place in the world. How confused does a person have to be to feel that they have yet to find that place, and will they ever find a home?
One of my friends says I am not from this planet, I have no qualms about this I suppose my home is in heaven, yet so is his in the end but he still has a place of this world and on this earth. Some would have thought that a belief in God would have solved this missing home problem, and still there is feeling of as ever being lost. Maybe nine homes in 17 years is to much?
I think that sometimes more than ever I really wish for a home; somewhere that I really feel myself. I think college has brought me one step closer to that because I am no longer afraid of the person I am towards other people. I am myself. I don’t think my high school really got to appreciate that on one to many occasions. I think some of me was always fake, always trying to make other people happy, always doing as I was told. Maybe that fearless girl that could contend with anything, get everyone into order, listened to others was, essentially, just a person trying to exaggerate herself to make herself seem more real to others and herself. But then maybe I am that person. The problem with pretending is that at sometime you cross the point of the quiet person you where, the person that wanted to talk about her problems, the person who was scared and turned into the person she was pretending to be.
Just to make matters more confusing, maybe that is the way you are supposed to find “who you are” or maybe that was how I was supposed to do it. It’s not as if people hate that me and I really can’t see me going back to that slightly shy awkward person. So I am me and I like me. Just do I have a home.
I sit here in my college common room come study area and I think about my parents. What would they think if I said I had no home? It’s not the fact that they don’t try its just always the nagging feeling of incompleteness, I don’t suppose it is even that. It’s just there, it’s something you know.
Maybe my home is in heaven? But what if we all have it all wrong. I try not to pass on that fact.
Generally when life gets to hard we all try to bow out, run away and so on we shut everything up inside and try and forget leave the memories so far behind that all other matter seems to have left you as well.
Basically my God reigns. It’s a random thing to add but on top of the am I this person who everyone thinks they know but they really don’t and whether I have a home or not, this is a pretty major thing. Maybe I need to explain this one out. If my God reigns then I have a home and maybe by the feeling that I don’t have home my home is in heaven and I should not try and deny that living here is, at least, awkward. And if my God reigns, which he does, then he will accept who I am. So am I completely waffling you begin to wander? No, this confused person jabbering on is getting to a point just one that she can’t see but God is obviously calling her to express.
It comes down always comes down
it never seems to stop rain upon this ground
its like the tears that fall in heartache
or joyful eye watering in a happy break
but yet this moment this sound seems lonely
like a lone man crying for those who have, has and are lost
humming himself a drum beat
upon these forgotten streets
maybe its time for us all to meet
just one last time
before the night comes
Monday, March 23
You could compare life to driving, so much of the above applies. There is a thrill and an excitment, there are times that are fast and some that are slow, there are accidents and times when we look so closely at what is around us. At points we even get tired, not the everyday tired that tuks you up in bed at night, but the tired in life that drowns you deep into depression, one which we shrink away from life. The cost is so clear, we grow older, become less trusting, fall in love, have children, die lonely.
In many ways I suppos much of this depends on the destination and the routes we take. Always individuals each with it's own moments. Even when travelling together on a journey you can find that each persons favourite bit is different, or if its the same then its usually for a different reason. It's the same for the low points as well.
As I sit in a strange room writing this, I realise how strange a journey life can be. I'm sitting in a room with a yellow door, with the heighest bed, writing this at this desk sitting on a comfy chair in the gorunds of nazarene theological college. Tomorrow is my last uni interview and each has brought something new to my lifes journey. Todays might possibly link to the fact that I can drive, whats more on the motorway. It's a scary realisation of freedom, escapism and loss. I'm no longer jailed away from flights of fancy, of the scary big wide world. Strangely I think I will find myself more confined by my freedom than I ever felt living under my parents house and I havn't even left yet.
It's like childs footsteps for the first time. I must seem so happy, so excited, my parents wary ready to catch me when I trip, ready to pick me up. Freedom with a safety net on this drive home.
Sunday, March 22
Saturday, March 21
and sundays seem so solemn
Mondays asre a moment
and tusedays more stoic than a roman column
wednesday is distant
and thursday looking sad
friday once again goes quick
and thats a week to be had
maybe as the months go by
the pace will pass and quicken
and then when years have comed to pass
a slowness they will sicken
but for now each day so seems the same
and drifts by evermore
and sleepily we dream it by
forgetting to wish for more
Friday, March 20
Friends don't let you down, you just have to give them a chance to be there for you.
Thursday, March 19
Wednesday, March 18
so how is the garden of your life? im enjoying the sring coming in the midst of the discombobulating chaos.
Tuesday, March 17
lots to think about isnt it?
Monday, March 16
A life still to live,
A dream still to strive,
Food at my table still to eaten.
One more sunrise,
As I'm sure tomorrow has no end.
Strike me down but see me rise.
I will no longer fall short of what I am,
Because thats putting my friends,
And me down.
Sunday, March 15
Tomorrow there is a high possibilitythat I will be singing Abba because I am watching mammamia and the only reason i am watching that is because I've had the songs in my head because of the comic relief skit.
there's always a song that reminds you of something in life... so many songs all for different parts of life.
i was listening to on the other day made me think of so many friends and good times...
time to get listening I think
Saturday, March 14
Things change the weather, places, People.
People change, we change.
Sometimes we change because we have to, or because we need to, or because we want to. Sometimes we need to for other people to be stronger better greater.
As long as we are ourselves and are doing it for the best when we change then no damage.
Change for the better...
Change to mak a stand...
Change to be great...
Change to be what this world needs...
Be the change you want to see in this world.
Friday, March 13
The thing that always gets me is the video's i have spent hours crying over them, and the one that hit me most was about the mothers who die in chid birth and thn their children die because there is no one to look after them. I'm not a mother but I hope one day I will be and in this country there is such little chance of me dying throgh childbirth, but there, so many. On top of that I dont have to really worry about malaria or drinking water, hnger, education or money.
It's just luck that I'm here and they're there...
And i thank God for my privilige. xxx
Thursday, March 12
its certainly good to have space:
- space to think
- space to cry
- space to sing
- space to pray
- space to go crazy
- space to be quiet
- space to be mad
You know its good just to be away to take time for yourself to burst into tears, or to laugh, etc...
Clears your head, really does. take some time, i think i might have said this and burst into tears what ever you feel it really does help!
Wednesday, March 11
Living:- not in the sense of breathing living but in the sense of doing something with your life, rock climbing, Kayaking, talking ot a friend. It's a chance of taking the risks and chances.
Laughter:- it's great, really great, makes everything better and brighter
Love:- is what makes everything, the hope the living, the laughter all worthwhile
well its they key I will let you work out why...
Tuesday, March 10
Monday, March 9
Take that with there song shine goes
So come on, so come on, get it on Don't know what you're waiting for Your time is coming don't be late, hey hey So come on See the light on your face Let it shine Just let it shine Let it shine
theres the guiding favourite - this little light of mine
I was listening to a Reuben Morgan song, (i think) called mighty to save (please feel free to correct me if i'm wrong) which has the bridge
shine your light and let the whole world see, for the gloryof the risen King
and obviouddly the biblical dont hide your light under a bushel
so time to switch the lights on inside and forget about the energy savng 'cause it is our time to shine so lets get it on...
Sunday, March 8
Reading the Methodist Worship Book durng the service, these words really stood out as a calling:
How true are those words spoken.
And it's not just about HC, but its about our lives, the constant need to be fed by God but that we make the decision to go, not our parents choice, or a friends but our personal need.
It reminds of how everyday I try to renew my comittment to God, because I may, because each day is new.
I don't know my point today but I really hope them words reach out to you.
Saturday, March 7
Friday, March 6
But none of us are perfect, we are as they say only human. What is even more, worrying is not the right word but i suppose it will suffice, worrying is that we often forget ourselves that we are not perfect and are only human; which in turn makes it a harder surface when we fall.
It's something we so often say we are or are not perfect without really ever realising the implication. The second is easy to explain its an untruth. The first we don't fully understand I don't feel, we use it as an excuse that we throw around nonchalantly.
Are imperfections make us, being human makes us, we make us.
We suceed we fail, you win some you lose some, and some times we fly and sometimes we fall, thats just life!
Thursday, March 5
Or passing your driving test, like I did today. I suppose you then get back into routie or get used to it quickly like having a job.
But have you ever noticed how quickly a day disappears before you know it its a week later and your shocked by the suddenness in whihc all is normal again. It makes it harder to keep track of things and friends I find. Let alone time for yourself.
I think that would be my advice for the day do something good for you, not healthy but good. And have fun doing it, so maybe not a driving test. xxx
Wednesday, March 4
Time to change, start something new. In as much as i wonder about change coming, I often wonder if we think change is coming because we know we are going to have to do something to inflict it.
May be it's more about standing out in the crowd, being counted for what we believe in. Making it safe for everyone else, wearing the flourescent jacket. I don't know but thats my thought.
What ever it certainly time to stand up and a time to be counted so lets make a change, and change this world for the better!
Tuesday, March 3
I do quite a lot, from a random selection of random friends part of no group in my listing there is
- it's not lying, its artistic licence
- dream theare in june
- monday night was an awesome night
- any one can be somebodies fool
- (and the classic) ...
I often start conversations around them. They are I suppose insight into a person, you can see what is happening, their emotions, their needs. I just wish that we all had small signs with us all the while so that we always knew. Mystery may at to the fun but how many times have you put your foot int it... We just need to be open I think (I can hear the cries being shouted at me going hypocrit) but at least we know I speak from experience... it's painful but it really helps.
oh and my personal message tonight:
"head out to the seas, for he is calming the storm"
Monday, March 2
Life however has no map and any way maps never tell you anything about what you might face past the physical stuff, so for life i suppose the landmarks are birth death and taxes so to say, the rest is unplotted. It makes it hard doesn't it. The hills are daunting, the rivers are wide, the woods peaceful, the beaches glorious.
Thats what makes the journey great, the diverisity, the ups and down, the accomplishments, land mark events. On top of that our paths often interchange and weave with other peoples who never truly leave you as they walk in your heart leaving faint footprints.
And although a map certainly would make it easier in this life, where would be the fun, the tangents, and the strange opportunities placed when at a fork and you follow your hunch...
I think it's time to get lost in life
Sunday, March 1
Disney Movies always end up right, good wins evil doesnt time honoured tradition with comedy thrown in. kinda like life apart from good doesnt always win and evil usually does but comedy well thats if we smile.
Some one said to me today "you're always smiling" and i truly believe that is the only way to make it through some times. Laughing certainly sure makes the heart feel lighter, take time to laugh and smile...