madness persues only thoses
who can escape, but the trails of an ordianry man,
may fade away away in time
but, only by his own hand,
and if then the world could be,
what all men wish to see,
will he have done his part
through hunger and emptiness of heart,
and all who no this feeling crave it
like figs to a dove,
they name it love

London is a great place to loose yourself
you can disappear and it is so impressive
when you finally manage to find your way
well its good

time is odd loose and hour gain your life
just rembember to pray
and learn how to spell

Always file paper work in safe places and the bible doesnt count.
working wth no heating will mean you will be cold
and keep smiling that way the world will always wonder

and one more thing

life is like a seesaw

always more fun with some one else

x

poem, revised edition

And if they all took time to look
then maybe they would see
step, back, relax, it's fine, really
I'm still me

Just reach out to let me know
you will stick and stay around
for time is slipping past my friend
and my feet have lost there ground

Well if tomorrow I say goodbye
please just take no attention
I'm only just freaking out
about this new sensation

Maybe time will halt for us
maybe time will stop for old friends
then we will never have to move on
and this will never have to end

sometimes its good just to say yes
sometimes you just have to take a stab in the dark
dont forget or regret

Home?

I know it seems really hard to admit but sometimes you just want to scream and run away. Run away from everything, the people and the places and go home. But what happens if you have nowhere to call home. So you have a roof over your head and you’re not living on a street, but a home?

The dictionary isn’t even brief about what a home is it goes on for quite a while. As a noun it is:

• A place where one lives; a residence.
• The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.
• A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.
• An environment offering security and happiness.
• A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.
• The place, such as a country or town, where one was born or has lived for a long period.
In the thesaurus:

noun
1. A building or shelter where one lives: abode, domicile, dwelling, habitation, house, lodging (often used in plural), place, residence. Chiefly British dig (used in plural). See protection/exposure.
2. The natural environment of an animal or plant: habitat, haunt, stamping ground. See territory.
3. An institution that provides care and shelter: asylum, hospice, hospital, shelter. See protection/exposure.
adjective
1. Of or relating to the family or household: domestic, familial, family, homely, household. See kin, group.
2. Of, from, or within a country's own territory: domestic, internal, national, native. See native/foreign.

"Home is the place where we are treated the best, but grumble the most." - Source Unknown

I suppose it really does rest on what you determine as home, whether you do believe that a home is that place with four walls, some windows, the door and a roof. Maybe even in some case it will have a nice garden with roses and lavender, a winding path, small pond, weeping willow and a picket fence. Yet, what if a home is where the heart really lives, a place where you know that you belong there more than any other place in the world. How confused does a person have to be to feel that they have yet to find that place, and will they ever find a home?

One of my friends says I am not from this planet, I have no qualms about this I suppose my home is in heaven, yet so is his in the end but he still has a place of this world and on this earth. Some would have thought that a belief in God would have solved this missing home problem, and still there is feeling of as ever being lost. Maybe nine homes in 17 years is to much?
I think that sometimes more than ever I really wish for a home; somewhere that I really feel myself. I think college has brought me one step closer to that because I am no longer afraid of the person I am towards other people. I am myself. I don’t think my high school really got to appreciate that on one to many occasions. I think some of me was always fake, always trying to make other people happy, always doing as I was told. Maybe that fearless girl that could contend with anything, get everyone into order, listened to others was, essentially, just a person trying to exaggerate herself to make herself seem more real to others and herself. But then maybe I am that person. The problem with pretending is that at sometime you cross the point of the quiet person you where, the person that wanted to talk about her problems, the person who was scared and turned into the person she was pretending to be.

Just to make matters more confusing, maybe that is the way you are supposed to find “who you are” or maybe that was how I was supposed to do it. It’s not as if people hate that me and I really can’t see me going back to that slightly shy awkward person. So I am me and I like me. Just do I have a home.

I sit here in my college common room come study area and I think about my parents. What would they think if I said I had no home? It’s not the fact that they don’t try its just always the nagging feeling of incompleteness, I don’t suppose it is even that. It’s just there, it’s something you know.

Maybe my home is in heaven? But what if we all have it all wrong. I try not to pass on that fact.
Generally when life gets to hard we all try to bow out, run away and so on we shut everything up inside and try and forget leave the memories so far behind that all other matter seems to have left you as well.

Basically my God reigns. It’s a random thing to add but on top of the am I this person who everyone thinks they know but they really don’t and whether I have a home or not, this is a pretty major thing. Maybe I need to explain this one out. If my God reigns then I have a home and maybe by the feeling that I don’t have home my home is in heaven and I should not try and deny that living here is, at least, awkward. And if my God reigns, which he does, then he will accept who I am. So am I completely waffling you begin to wander? No, this confused person jabbering on is getting to a point just one that she can’t see but God is obviously calling her to express.

Listening to the rain

I was listening to the rain last night instead of typing and instead I wrote this:

It comes down always comes down
it never seems to stop rain upon this ground
its like the tears that fall in heartache
or joyful eye watering in a happy break
but yet this moment this sound seems lonely
like a lone man crying for those who have, has and are lost
humming himself a drum beat
upon these forgotten streets
maybe its time for us all to meet
just one last time
before the night comes

I wrote this yesterday at Uni so here i type it...

The thrill of driving, the excitement, the speed, the cost! So much like life really. Some goes fast, some goes slow, there are accidents and moments so clear all starts to make sense. However oftern when you drive you only see those around you, you look out and try and avoid the accidents often missing lookin gout your self on the veiw, breathtaking reality. Then you become tired, the need to stop, to drink and water. It can be costly too. I mean petrol, the repairs, tax, MOT, services and insurance. It all adds up.

You could compare life to driving, so much of the above applies. There is a thrill and an excitment, there are times that are fast and some that are slow, there are accidents and times when we look so closely at what is around us. At points we even get tired, not the everyday tired that tuks you up in bed at night, but the tired in life that drowns you deep into depression, one which we shrink away from life. The cost is so clear, we grow older, become less trusting, fall in love, have children, die lonely.

In many ways I suppos much of this depends on the destination and the routes we take. Always individuals each with it's own moments. Even when travelling together on a journey you can find that each persons favourite bit is different, or if its the same then its usually for a different reason. It's the same for the low points as well.

As I sit in a strange room writing this, I realise how strange a journey life can be. I'm sitting in a room with a yellow door, with the heighest bed, writing this at this desk sitting on a comfy chair in the gorunds of nazarene theological college. Tomorrow is my last uni interview and each has brought something new to my lifes journey. Todays might possibly link to the fact that I can drive, whats more on the motorway. It's a scary realisation of freedom, escapism and loss. I'm no longer jailed away from flights of fancy, of the scary big wide world. Strangely I think I will find myself more confined by my freedom than I ever felt living under my parents house and I havn't even left yet.

It's like childs footsteps for the first time. I must seem so happy, so excited, my parents wary ready to catch me when I trip, ready to pick me up. Freedom with a safety net on this drive home.

sunday come and sunday go, and i seem up rdiculously early as always but i realised i forgot to pack to go away today.

not only that but it s mothers day

A thought filled poem

sometimes saturdays seem so lonely
and sundays seem so solemn
Mondays asre a moment
and tusedays more stoic than a roman column
wednesday is distant
and thursday looking sad
friday once again goes quick
and thats a week to be had

maybe as the months go by
the pace will pass and quicken
and then when years have comed to pass
a slowness they will sicken

but for now each day so seems the same
and drifts by evermore
and sleepily we dream it by
forgetting to wish for more

The best laid plans

Some time the best laid plans go to waste and usually they go to better plans or confusions. People will always laugh and support you no matter what and sometimes it takes the lack of a family, the lack of friends and a lack of a dog to make you see the funny side of going beyond the hem...

Friends don't let you down, you just have to give them a chance to be there for you.

xxx

Shopping and Chat

Some times spending a little money makes you feel better. Maybe not when you have no money but treating your self once in a while. On top of that taking the time just to chat randomly also works so on that note I'm off to do just that chat chat chat

xxx

Is that the sun shining or may the spot light

It suddenly feels like spring agian. The sun is shining, the birds woke me up early with their chirrping, and the world seems greener. The saying goes, that the grass is always greener on the other side but it seems pretty green for me here at the moment. That doesnt mean that life is perfect, there are still leaves from autumn everywhere, the grass is wild and hedge's overgrown, but its a content state of out of control ness, if that makes sense in any way?

so how is the garden of your life? im enjoying the sring coming in the midst of the discombobulating chaos.

What a faith that women had to strech out her hand and say yes if i touch his clothes i will be healed. amazing faith that im not sure unless you have really sunk to the depths of despair that women had been in you could truly ever understand. whats more is that he offered more than what she wanted. for someone who had been outcast by family and friends he offered a relationship. he called her daughter he knew nothing about her, not her past or her future or anything else. and yet she was his daughter. A relationship for all of us...

lots to think about isnt it?

xxx

A lot

I have a lot to be thankful for,
A life still to live,
A dream still to strive,
Food at my table still to eaten.
One more sunrise,
As I'm sure tomorrow has no end.
Strike me down but see me rise.
I will no longer fall short of what I am,
Because thats putting my friends,
And me down.

Sometimes you have to sing

there is a song for everything, often i find myself bursting out into song, or humming a tune because of a conversation I have had.

Tomorrow there is a high possibilitythat I will be singing Abba because I am watching mammamia and the only reason i am watching that is because I've had the songs in my head because of the comic relief skit.

there's always a song that reminds you of something in life... so many songs all for different parts of life.

i was listening to on the other day made me think of so many friends and good times...

time to get listening I think

xxx

Going back to a new place.

Things change. Its a fact really. Look at the weather its been sunny and cloudy today, I'm sure it's rained somewhere it changes constantly warm then cold. I went back to my old job under new managment today. It was odd seemed so different, in a good way.

Things change the weather, places, People.

People change, we change.

Sometimes we change because we have to, or because we need to, or because we want to. Sometimes we need to for other people to be stronger better greater.

As long as we are ourselves and are doing it for the best when we change then no damage.

Change for the better...
Change to mak a stand...
Change to be great...
Change to be what this world needs...

Be the change you want to see in this world.

xxx

Some thing Funny for Money

Or rather I just watched several other people do something funny for money and donate generously. and dont i wish I had been davina... but oh well.

The thing that always gets me is the video's i have spent hours crying over them, and the one that hit me most was about the mothers who die in chid birth and thn their children die because there is no one to look after them. I'm not a mother but I hope one day I will be and in this country there is such little chance of me dying throgh childbirth, but there, so many. On top of that I dont have to really worry about malaria or drinking water, hnger, education or money.

It's just luck that I'm here and they're there...

And i thank God for my privilige. xxx

Time for a space

Time for a space.

its certainly good to have space:

• space to think
• space to cry
• space to sing
• space to pray
• space to go crazy
• space to be quiet
• space to be mad

You know its good just to be away to take time for yourself to burst into tears, or to laugh, etc...

Clears your head, really does. take some time, i think i might have said this and burst into tears what ever you feel it really does help!

xxx

Hope, Live, Laugh, Love, Believe

Hope:- it's what keeps us going don't you think. In life you know when you get to rock bottom its what you think right I hope it gets better, so much better.
Living:- not in the sense of breathing living but in the sense of doing something with your life, rock climbing, Kayaking, talking ot a friend. It's a chance of taking the risks and chances.
Laughter:- it's great, really great, makes everything better and brighter
Love:- is what makes everything, the hope the living, the laughter all worthwhile
And believing
well its they key I will let you work out why...

xxx

Friends

meeting new people is always exciting and theres nothing like the feeling of gettin know someone, even if you have known them for years. Discovering people is great, it helps us discover ourselves, so find out something new about someone... it may be your last chance.


xxx

Shine your light and let the whole world see

It's a common theme over the last year if you notice. Shining. Theres been the songs like um lets see.... Shine and the movie like stardust, and I'm sure there has been for all the opportunity.

Take that with there song shine goes

So come on, so come on, get it on Don't know what you're waiting for Your time is coming don't be late, hey hey So come on See the light on your face Let it shine Just let it shine Let it shine

theres the guiding favourite - this little light of mine

I was listening to a Reuben Morgan song, (i think) called mighty to save (please feel free to correct me if i'm wrong) which has the bridge

shine your light and let the whole world see, for the gloryof the risen King

and obviouddly the biblical dont hide your light under a bushel

so time to switch the lights on inside and forget about the energy savng 'cause it is our time to shine so lets get it on...

A thought on a table

Today being Sunday, one which I wasn't working, I went to church. Today also happens to been Holy Communion (HC) for our church. HC has been for quite some time something which I find very thought provoking and moving. There is something fascinating watching the different colours in clothing (often couples dressed co-ordinatingly), different wears in shoes, the concept of some many different stories being shared around one table.

Reading the Methodist Worship Book durng the service, these words really stood out as a calling:

"Come to this sacred table,

Not because you must but because you may;

come, not to declare that you are righteous,

but that you desire to be true disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ:

come, not because you are strong,

but because you are weak;

not because you have any claim on heaven's rewards,

but because in your frailty and sin

you stand in constant need of heaven's mercy and help"

How true are those words spoken.
And it's not just about HC, but its about our lives, the constant need to be fed by God but that we make the decision to go, not our parents choice, or a friends but our personal need.

It reminds of how everyday I try to renew my comittment to God, because I may, because each day is new.

I don't know my point today but I really hope them words reach out to you.

It's a long drive home

I have done many journeys in time, varying distance, various modes of transport, and you would have thought that the journey outwards would seem longer. You're excited and want to get started, or apprehensive and don't want to get there, something along them lines anyway. Yet I often find the journey home longer, looking back over memories, wishing you had done something differently, wishing you had had longer, wishing, longing, regretting, missing and hoping. There is also the prospect of waiting on the return journey home, the prostect of waiting to see loved ones, familiar places, occurences, correspondants. The journey is often agonising through tiredness, and longing, and possibly even painful from the position you have been sitting on a coach for the last 27 hours, with another 9 to go. The journey home marks a passing of an event, often you have changed for the better or for the worse. What is scarier is when you realise you are journeying home alone, that takes more getting use to, its an even longer journey...

Time to fly

We all fall, but then we all skydive. Inspired by a friends facebook status, wish commented on how my friend was watching the rain and realised we all fell, it got me thinking. It's true, which although not really shcking is quite startling really, thinking what that person went through a rough patch but they're so strong, so happy, so vibrant, so perfect!

But none of us are perfect, we are as they say only human. What is even more, worrying is not the right word but i suppose it will suffice, worrying is that we often forget ourselves that we are not perfect and are only human; which in turn makes it a harder surface when we fall.

It's something we so often say we are or are not perfect without really ever realising the implication. The second is easy to explain its an untruth. The first we don't fully understand I don't feel, we use it as an excuse that we throw around nonchalantly.

Are imperfections make us, being human makes us, we make us.

We suceed we fail, you win some you lose some, and some times we fly and sometimes we fall, thats just life!

xxx

Where did all the rum go

some things never really snk in for the first few days, like cming home from school on holidays, or when family arrive back after being away.

Or passing your driving test, like I did today. I suppose you then get back into routie or get used to it quickly like having a job.

But have you ever noticed how quickly a day disappears before you know it its a week later and your shocked by the suddenness in whihc all is normal again. It makes it harder to keep track of things and friends I find. Let alone time for yourself.

I think that would be my advice for the day do something good for you, not healthy but good. And have fun doing it, so maybe not a driving test. xxx

Its a nice night

Its a nice night. The clouds and sunsets as I was clambered on by Brownies. Is it me or do you wonder that sometimes you know things are going to change, before they happen. Well I feel that a change is coming, it may not be signicant but its happening. Just like spring with the buds starting to show, tomorrow is a new day.

Time to change, start something new. In as much as i wonder about change coming, I often wonder if we think change is coming because we know we are going to have to do something to inflict it.

May be it's more about standing out in the crowd, being counted for what we believe in. Making it safe for everyone else, wearing the flourescent jacket. I don't know but thats my thought.

What ever it certainly time to stand up and a time to be counted so lets make a change, and change this world for the better!

Its a Personal message thing

On msn how many times do you read a P.M and think I wonder...
I do quite a lot, from a random selection of random friends part of no group in my listing there is

• it's not lying, its artistic licence
• dream theare in june
• monday night was an awesome night
• any one can be somebodies fool
• (and the classic) ...

I often start conversations around them. They are I suppose insight into a person, you can see what is happening, their emotions, their needs. I just wish that we all had small signs with us all the while so that we always knew. Mystery may at to the fun but how many times have you put your foot int it... We just need to be open I think (I can hear the cries being shouted at me going hypocrit) but at least we know I speak from experience... it's painful but it really helps.

xxx

oh and my personal message tonight:

"head out to the seas, for he is calming the storm"

Map reading on the road to life

Tonight I have been at Rangers reading and referencing maps. They are joyful things, they help you know where you are where you have come from and where you are going in geographical terms.

Life however has no map and any way maps never tell you anything about what you might face past the physical stuff, so for life i suppose the landmarks are birth death and taxes so to say, the rest is unplotted. It makes it hard doesn't it. The hills are daunting, the rivers are wide, the woods peaceful, the beaches glorious.

Thats what makes the journey great, the diverisity, the ups and down, the accomplishments, land mark events. On top of that our paths often interchange and weave with other peoples who never truly leave you as they walk in your heart leaving faint footprints.

And although a map certainly would make it easier in this life, where would be the fun, the tangents, and the strange opportunities placed when at a fork and you follow your hunch...

I think it's time to get lost in life
xxx

Disney Movie

You really cant beat a Disney movie late on a sunday evening, if it's animation all the better. I decided that tonight was anight for Mulan, my brother just back from Japan and four weeks till he heads to china it made sense.

Disney Movies always end up right, good wins evil doesnt time honoured tradition with comedy thrown in. kinda like life apart from good doesnt always win and evil usually does but comedy well thats if we smile.

Some one said to me today "you're always smiling" and i truly believe that is the only way to make it through some times. Laughing certainly sure makes the heart feel lighter, take time to laugh and smile...
xxx